Are you tired of all the chicken, egg and bunny decorations? Are the pastel Easter baskets getting you down? Do you want to get away from all the pressure of putting on the perfect Easter celebration for your kids?
I have perfected the ghetto Easter this year in just 10 simple steps. It’s easy and inexpensive, and it will lower your kids’ expectations of every holiday.
1. Buy all Easter goods at CVS the night before Easter. That way you get buy one get one 50% off.
2. Run up the stairs half naked at 6am to sneak the CVS brand chocolate bunny into their rooms (no Cadbury at the ghetto Easter celebration).
3. Tell the children that they can only eat the ears and head off the bunny since it’s 6:50 in the morning. They can devour the bodies later. This is the only time of year that you will say that phrase.
4. Remember the morning of Easter that you never brought out any Easter decorations.
5. Tell yourself that all of this is OK because your kids are half Jewish and should be celebrating Passover.
6. Present them with lucky bamboo because that was the only non-candy item left at CVS the night before Easter. See the disappoint on their faces. Reassure them that bamboo is actually totally awesome because you can’t kill it easily.
7. Instead of Easter baskets, use plastic grocery bags for the Easter egg hunt.
8. Tell the kid that whoever cries because they didn’t get the golden egg with a dollar in it will sit in a time out.
9. Accidentally buy brown eggs instead of white eggs, making egg dyeing near impossible.
10. Use Easter as the perfect holiday to stop lying to your children. No, children, there is not a large bunny that sneaks into your house and hides eggs and other goodies.
That happened today.
Until next time, the mothership is signing off.