Dinner is indisputably the most shitty time of my entire day. There are kids who eat and kids who do not. There are kids who sit still at the table and those who wiggle around like they have fire ants crawling all over them. There are kids who spill food and drink all over the table and floor and those who don’t. There are kids who cry at the table and those who don’t. There are those kids who like to say fart or other inappropriate language at the table (Preston) and those who don’t. The child perpetrator changes every single night.
Ava is famous for just being a sassy mouthed beast who drops her food all over the floor because she can’t sit still or shut up long enough to get the food into the esophagus.
Tonight Chris was out of town and I had the luxury of handling dinner on my own. Ava put me in my place several times. Here is how it went:
Mothership: Preston, we are not going anywhere unitl you eat your dinner.
Ava: Where would we be going if he does eat his dinner? Are we going somewhere?
Mothership: When I said that I meant we are not going to leave the table until Preston is done with dinner.
Ava; Well, when you say “we are not going anywhere” it makes it sound like we will actually be going SOMEWHERE and not just leaving the table [unspoken but implied DUH!! inserted here].
Then I was asked why we had these pictures on the wall in the kitchen. They are a particular fascination to the kids because the fruit is dissected and they want to know why, and then they want a full description of each fruit.
Ava: Why do we have these pictures hanging on our wall?
Mothership: Because I like those pictures so darn much! They go perfectly in our kitchen.
Ava: But when you say “darn” it sounds like something negative mom. Usually when you say darn it means something bad, not something good.
Mothership: Pause. Pause, Pause. Well Ava, I guess you are right.
At this point I thought about how many times I use the word “darn” followed by something positive. I think what I have been saying for all of these years is a contradiction in terms. I definitely overuse the word that Ava fairly aggressively determined is a misused word.
So I looked the word “darn” up on the Internet on a couple of different websites to find the definition. The word darn originated in the 1600s. At that time the definition of the word was “to mend.” Today it is said to be a “tame curse word.” It was used as a curse word in New England stemming from the word “tarnal”, short for Eternal, as in By the Eternal (God).
Welcome to dinner at the Woolseys. Seriously people, if you want to feel duped by an eight year old, join us at the only time of the day that Ava is home with her butt semi-plastered to one place for 15 minutes, and you too can feel like an idiot.
I will never use the word darn in a positive context again. If I use the word I will be banishing someone or something to a bad place for all eternity. . . . by God.
Until next time, the mothership is signing off.