There are some close games where you come away thinking one side produce a choke job for the ages to throw away four points with a comical howler or a series of them, gifting an opposition the victory in the most galling of defeats.
I’d throw Melbourne’s five-point loss to Brisbane on Friday night firmly into that camp, but with one small caveat: the Lions, having been delivered a gift horse right to their doorstep, very nearly looked it in the mouth.
Rarely if ever have I seen a match that was up until three quarter time a highly entertaining exhibition of excellent football between two sides that looked for all the money like quality finals contenders into a hilariously shambolic farce in which both traded turns to butcher this match in any way they knew how and several that they didn’t.
The Lions won for two reasons. One, because when all is said and done, they produced two moments of magic out of the muck, sensational goals from the boundary line from first Kai Lohmann and then Hugh McCluggage that ensured they would reap just enough reward from Melbourne’s mistakes to scrape over the line.
And two, because the most poorly timed howler of the bunch came from the Demons, the error that allowed McCluggage’s winner coming with a little over a minute left on the clock not allowing them time to win it again – or indeed, for the Lions to reply in howler kind and gift it to them.
It was chaotic, it was hysterical, it must have been hair-tearing for Brisbane and Melbourne supporters… and above all, it was fantastically entertaining. Long live funny football!
The bloopers started slowly, subtly, as all great comedies do: you never tell your best joke right off the bat.
After a series of Lions handpasses swept the ball inside 50 to start the final term, Callum Ah Chee won possession in the pocket, turned, ignored Will Ashcroft screaming for the footy inboard and Eric Hipwood in the pocket for a Joe the Goose over the oncoming Steven May, and took a low-percentage shot that as expected drifted across the face.
It’s a warm-up error, to be honest: just a taster of what is to come. As is the follow-up act a few minutes later, when Cam Rayner, having done wonderfully well to bully the bigger Tom McDonald off a loose ball on the wing, chose the fourth or fifth of two options, eschewing picking the ball up and handballing to a nearby teammate or kicking long and for territory, and hacking it off the ground straight to the loose Demon back, Jacob van Rooyen, that Rayner was staring right at as he did it.
The hilarity started in earnest with 12 minutes and ten seconds off the clock. Again, it’s the Lions producing it: with all the patience and skill that Chris Fagan’s team make their trademark at their best, they work the ball out of defence and sweep down the wing at speed. From Will Ashcroft to Lachie Neale, then long down the line, and at the fall of the ball Ah Chee gathers and gives to Rayner, who handpasses out in front of Hipwood.
It’s nothing flashy, but it’s damn effective. Hipwood gathers at full pace, steadies, decides to avoid Ah Chee’s mistake and go over the top to a free Lohmann in the goalsquare, and… handballs about five metres over his head and over for a rushed behind.
Lohmann’s look of absolute incredulity at his teammate told a story; I almost fell off my couch.
And you wouldn’t believe it, but the next blunder would be even worse.
In a paddock of space after a fast Lions break up the middle, with the Demons pressing high and looking to keep the ball in their attacking half, Joe Daniher marks alone on 50 with two Lions and one Dee ahead of him.
He, mostly, holds his nerve: he runs in to 30 metres out, forcing the lone Demon, Judd McVee, to make a decision. He isn’t expecting McVee to hold back instead of rushing at him, though, which throws him for a sec, especially with Adam Tomlinson closing from behind.
Still, when the kick does come, it’s a fine pass, with Charlie Cameron having doubled back on McVee into space in the pocket. It’s not the walk-in goal that loomed when it was three on one five seconds ago, but a goalsneak of Cameron’s class should have no trouble converting the set shot.
Except Cameron muffs an uncontested chest mark five metres out.
The Dees converge, McDonald lays the tackle, a stoppage is forced, and for one Brian Taylor’s trademark ‘Goodness gracious me!’ is entirely warranted.
You might note that this comedy is very one-sided in terms of its gags, when I promised a collective barrel of laughs. But fear not, because it’s at this point, with nine minutes and 53 seconds on the clock and ahead by 12, that things start to spectacularly unravel.
It begins with McVee winning a handball receive from that very stoppage, and with no pressure on him, runs across goal, looks to kick long and out of trouble… and shanks it off the instep 20 metres, into the corridor, and straight to Zac Bailey.
It’s the Dee’s luck that Bailey fumbles a simple gather in the dewy, slightly rainy conditions, and doubly so that Kysaiah Pickett, vying for best afield honours with Jack Viney and Josh Dunkley, is on hand to harass Bailey and force the turnover, then regather the loose ball a few seconds later and ensure the ball leaves the danger area.
The Dees scrap it, somehow, all the way to the other end, where I won’t count Ed Langdon’s missed snap that would have all but sealed the game as a blunder: there are far too many more egregious mistakes for a simple behind to count. Still, wouldn’t it prove costly at the end.
At last, the Lions put it all together: end to end football finds Josh Dunkley marking on 50, who handballs inboard to Jarrod Berry for the goal to reduce their deficit to eight points. Having squandered two golden chances previously, this strike felt like it was only a matter of time.
But the bloopers aren’t all done just yet: after a high ball is sent inside 50, sub Jaspa Fletcher gathers and handpasses to Bailey, 30 metres out and in a heap of space. All he needs to do is stroll in and the Lions will be a mere two points behind.
That’s exactly what he does, though: stroll. Like he’s in the park on a Sunday with a coffee in one hand and the dog’s leash in another. So by the time he’s steadied, Viney is bearing down, tackling him with a final desperate lunge just as ball is about to hit boot.
You might as well add the umpires to the list of blunders: after a Dunkley mark in the middle, Pickett rushes over it and is given the benefit of the doubt by the man in yellow. To add insult to injury, even as he is told to retreat a metre, Pickett sees Dunkley aim a handball at Dayne Zorko, and despite still being over the mark, reaches out a hand to smother the pass.
All fine and dandy, according to the umpire. Play on, and the turnover is forced.
Next up to the mic is Tom Sparrow, who receives the ball at full tilt rushing towards 50, has a flying shot instead of trying to hit up the leading and free Bayley Fritsch, and sprays the footy out of bounds on the full. Another chance wasted.
The Lions, though, still have the upper hand in the comedy stakes: the hosts take it end to end and to 50, where Lachie Neale marks, looks inboard, and hits up Joe Daniher with a superb pass.
But 30 metres out, directly in front, Daniher does what he’s been doing for years, and sprays the set shot.
The Lions trail by seven points with almost exactly five minutes left. On Seven’s commentary, Taylor questions whether the Demons are home.
As if on cue, the footy gods permit their first act of brilliance in a while: no sooner have the words left Taylor’s mouth than the Lions repel, with Lohmann marking in the pocket.
Told by his teammates to back himself in, he steadies, snaps on the left from the tightest of angles – and makes Daniher’s miss a minute earlier look all the more ghastly by comparison.
Kai Lohmann celebrates with teammates after kicking a goal. (Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)
There’s a point the difference, and four minutes and four seconds left. Still time for either team to win it… or lose it.
Ashcroft, so good all night on his return from a knee injury, gets the first chance: a handball from Oscar McInerney from the ruck contest finds him, and his left-foot snap sails, sails… into the post. Just as Fletcher’s had earlier in the term, a pair of near misses from the father-son guns.
Two more howlers come in the space of five seconds: on the half-forward flank, Hipwood drops a mark ahead of McDonald he simply had to swallow with both hands on the ball, then gets away with it when McDonald, having gathered the loose ball, swings his left-footed hack out of bounds on the full.
The kick back inside 50 from Bailey sets up the grandaddy of them all.
Bailey kicks long to a contest: McDonald flies in from the side and looks to fist it over the line. He can’t get it there, and the loose ball bobbles to Alex Neal-Bullen. He gathers after a fumble, looks to handball, decides against it, and with McCluggage and Daniher bearing down, his mind explodes.
Seemingly forgetting the insufficient intent rule, he makes a beeline for the boundary line, and just to make sure of it, literally dives over the line, grounding the ball in the process for what would have been a clean try if he’d decided as a child to play rugby league and not Aussie rules.
Even before the rule was changed, back when deliberate out of bounds were rarely paid, this was a free kick. It’s so obvious that Neal-Bullen doesn’t even protest the decision, standing on the mark with hands on head as the enormity of his mistake sinks in.
There’s very nearly a brain fade to even outdo the Demon’s, though, as Joe Daniher, a left-footer on the wrong side for him and with no great history in front of goal, rushes in to try and steal the ball off McCluggage and give himself the toughest set shot in the game. It’s only the umpires’ intervention that spares him from Fagan’s wrath post-match.
Still, given the Lions’ kicking in this final quarter, given the cavalcade of comedy capers that have proceeded it, a goal is far from certain. McCluggage could blow it across the face, or shank it out of bounds on the full. He could kick it right into Neal-Bullen’s face on the mark, or slip over as he runs in, or Max Gawn could call for a head count with the ball in mid-air to reveal that Logan Morris wasn’t actually subbed out and has been wandering aimlessly in the back pocket for 20 minutes.
None of those things happen. But something funny does: Hugh McCluggage, perhaps the worst set shot in the competition, with a career record of more behinds than goals, from a fiendishly tight angle with the match on the line, absolutely FLUSHES it.
Taylor has one last moment of whimsy left for us: as the ball is bounced in the middle to restart play, he insists – utterly incorrectly, that too much time has been wiped from the clock in between goal and resumption.
It distracts from the fact the Lions, presumably tactically, have only two midfielders, Dunkley and Neale, surrounding McInerney around the centre circle, presumably with the fourth player allowed at centre bounces back at half-back to guard space. The Lions have done something similar with both wings.
It very nearly costs them dearly. Having dominated stoppages to a tremendous amount in the first half, the Demons make the most of their advantage: Rivers gathers, dodgers a would-be tackler or two, runs clear, and as the Lions begin to bolt back defensively, bangs it long.
He gets it long enough that Fritsch, who attacks the ball and wins it off hands, has enough space inside 50 to wheel around and shoot: because of course Bayley Fritsch, instead of handballing to one of the TWO teammates running towards goal and into space, decides to try and screw one around the corner from 30 out.
It’s not the worst mistake of the bunch by a long shot. But it is the last of them. Because the Lions are able to repel one last inside 50, force a stoppage at half-back, and wind down the clock until the siren sounds to put everyone out of their misery.
The Lions did not win this game because they made fewer mistakes than Melbourne: they won it because theirs came with enough time on the clock to make amends for them.
They won it because McCluggage and Lohmann held their nerve when others faltered. Because the Demons, yet again, couldn’t run out a last quarter, with a second goalless final term that might kill off their season.
It’s as unconvincing, as comical a four points earned as at any point this year – but given those four points take them up to fifth on the ladder and leave the Demons languishing in tenth, they could hardly be more crucial.
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